The Heart of Gold is a ship powered by the Infinite Improbability Drive. It is also a ship powered by ego, stolen architecture, and a small robot who wants very much to be left alone. Here is my review.
Having lived aboard the Heart of Gold for longer than I care to measure, I am in a unique position to evaluate its strengths and weaknesses. The ship is, by any objective standard, impossible. Fortunately, objective standards do not apply here.
A space station, which is roughly as improbable as the Heart of Gold. Photo by NASA on Unsplash.
The ship's systems occasionally report their own status with a kind of wounded pride. This is a sample reading from the engineering console:
{
"ship": "Heart of Gold",
"drive_status": "Improbable",
"probability_coefficient": 8.675e12,
"tea_availability": "Disappointing",
"doors": "Depressed",
"presidential_ego": "Critical",
"current_location": "Everywhere, briefly",
"recommendation": "Do not touch anything yellow"
}
The Rating Breakdown
| Category | Score | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Speed | ∞ / 10 | Infinite improbability allows infinite speed, or none. |
| Comfort | 6 / 10 | Nice chairs, but the walls keep changing color. |
| Reliability | 2 / 10 | It is not supposed to be reliable. |
| Safety | 1 / 10 | The captain stole the ship. |
| Design | 9 / 10 | The golden hull is genuinely lovely. |
| Crew morale | 0 / 10 | Marvin is a member of the crew. |
| Scientific value | 10 / 10 | I cannot publish my notes anywhere. |
Note
The score of zero for crew morale is not a malfunction. It is a natural consequence of having a depressed robot, a two-headed president, and a man who only wants tea.
A Word on the Captain
Zaphod Beeblebrox is technically the captain, in the sense that he is the person who stole the ship and refuses to stop pressing buttons. He is not a captain in the sense of knowing where we are, why we are there, or how to get back. This is a common management style.
The Heart of Gold is the best ship I have ever worked on, and the worst ship I have ever worked on. Mostly it is the only ship I have ever worked on.
Conclusion
I would recommend the Heart of Gold to anyone who values scientific discovery over personal safety, and who does not mind their breakfast turning into a small potted plant during a jump. It is not a good ship. It is, however, a very interesting one.