There are many things I miss about Earth. High on the list, just below tea and a functioning door handle, is the full English breakfast. It is the only meal I have found that can make the universe feel, however briefly, like a sensible place.
The full English breakfast is not a meal. It is a statement. It says: "I am awake, I am prepared, and I have decided to face the day with a plate of beans, a sausage, and a small egg-shaped amount of hope." This is a powerful position from which to begin almost anything, up to and including the end of the world.
The Essential Components
A proper breakfast can be divided into the following food groups. Please do not tell me there are officially five food groups. I have had a very trying week.
| Component | Required? | Purpose |
|---|---|---|
| Bacon | Yes | Structural integrity. |
| Eggs | Yes | The sunniest part of the plate. |
| Sausage | Yes | Moral ballast. |
| Baked beans | Yes | Controversial, but essential. |
| Toast | Yes | For transferring beans. |
| Mushrooms | Negotiable | A bit of woodland. |
| Black pudding | Strongly advised | Do not ask what it is. Enjoy it. |
| Tea | Mandatory | Without this, the whole thing collapses. |
Important
Never attempt an English breakfast with coffee. The bacon will know. The bacon will judge you.
Why the Galaxy Gets It Wrong
The rest of the galaxy has many fine foods. I have been offered something that claimed to be a "full English" on three separate planets. Each time, the beans were the wrong color, the bacon was a kind of blue, and the toast had achieved a level of sentience I was not comfortable with. It was not an English breakfast. It was a misunderstanding.
A proper breakfast is one of the things that made Earth worth not bulldozing. I am aware the bulldozers disagreed.
Conclusion
If you are ever stranded in space, far from home, and someone offers you a full English breakfast, accept cautiously. Inspect the beans. Insist on tea. If they offer you a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster instead, you have accidentally sat down at Ford's table.