Most researchers assume that mice are small furry test subjects running through mazes. This is a common misconception. The mice are running the maze. The maze is us. Here is what to do about it.
If you have recently discovered that your mouse is not, in fact, a mouse, do not panic. This is a routine revelation for anyone traveling on the Heart of Gold. The important thing is to understand the nature of the being you are dealing with, and to stop doing experiments on it immediately.
Glossary of Pan-Dimensional Mouse Terms
- Hyper-intelligent: A relative term. From their perspective, most humans are about as clever as a warm pair of socks.
- Pan-dimensional: Existing in more dimensions than are strictly polite at dinner parties.
- Squeak: Not a vocalization. A compressed form of higher mathematics that your brain is too simple to unpack.
- Nibbling: A method of calibrating local probability fields. Do not interrupt.
Note
If your mouse looks at you with a small, dark, knowing eye, it is almost certainly making a note about your performance. Try not to take it personally.
A Simple Diagnostic Script
If you suspect your mouse is running the simulation, the following check may help confirm your hypothesis:
function analyzeMouse(subject) {
if (subject.isRunningTheExperiment) {
return "You are the subject."
}
if (subject.squeaksIncludeTopology) {
return "Apologize immediately."
}
if (subject.wantsCheese) {
return "A decoy. Provide the cheese anyway."
}
return "Probably an ordinary mouse. Probably."
}
console.log(analyzeMouse(myMouse));
What Not to Do
Do not ask them to build a planet. They already did, and the results were mixed.1
Conclusion
Treat your mouse with respect, provide a comfortable wheel, and never assume you are the cleverest mammal in the room. The odds are not in your favor.
The original Earth was a collaborative project with the dolphins, which is why both species were so deeply unimpressed with us. The second attempt is best regarded as a beta. ↩