The galaxy, for all its wonders, cannot make a decent cup of tea. I have tried. I have tried on spaceships, in restaurants, and once in a machine that claimed to understand Earth beverages. Every attempt has been a disappointment.
There is an argument, often made by people who have never been to Earth, that tea is just hot leaf juice. This is incorrect. Tea is a precise arrangement of boiling water, dried leaves, milk, sugar, and the quiet understanding that everything has already gone wrong today.
Important
The most important ingredient in tea is not the tea. It is the assumption that you have a right to sit down for five minutes while the universe waits outside.
How to Make a Proper Cup
- Boil water. Actual boiling. Not microwaved, not gently warmed, not heated by a passing laser blast.
- Place the tea bag in the mug. If you do not have tea bags, you are in a very unfortunate part of the galaxy.
- Pour the boiling water directly onto the tea. Do not dither.
- Stir briefly and stare into the middle distance, thinking of home.
- Add milk, if you take milk. Argue about whether the milk goes in first if you are with a group. This is traditional.
- Drink before the universe interrupts you again.
What the Rest of the Galaxy Calls Tea
The rest of the galaxy has several beverages that they insist are tea. They are not. They are:
- A brown liquid that tastes of regret and engine coolant.
- A thin, sweet soup served by a machine that hums aggressively.
- A purple foam that makes you briefly understand geometry.
- Hot water shown a picture of a leaf and asked to imagine very hard.
The Heart of Gold's Nutri-Matic tried to make me tea once. It produced a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. I still drank it. Standards fall quickly in space.
Conclusion
If you are offered tea by a machine, decline politely. If you are offered tea by a human, accept gratefully. If you are offered tea by a Vogon, run.