The Babel fish is small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe. It is also one of the most useful, which is saying something in a universe that contains tea and improbability drives.
The Babel fish solves the problem of interstellar communication by feeding on brain-wave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It then excretes energy with a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centers of the brain. This is, by any standard, a very strange career.
A yellow fish. It is not actually a Babel fish, but it is yellow, and the universe is full of coincidences. Photo by Bobby Mc Leod on Unsplash.
How It Works in Practice
- Small: The Babel fish is roughly the size of a small sardine, which is unfortunate because it lives in your ear.
- Yellow: Its color is bright yellow. If yours is not yellow, you may have a different fish in your ear. Seek help.
- Leech-li:ke This is not a value judgment. It is simply descriptive.
- Telepathic matr:ix The fish reads the brain waves of the speaker and translates the meaning directly into your mind.
- Symbiotic: You cannot survive without it. It cannot survive without you. It is a very one-sided symbiosis, but nobody consults the fish.
Tip
If you begin hearing voices in languages you do not understand, the Babel fish may be on holiday. Wait a moment. If the voices persist, run.
The Philosophical Problem
The Babel fish has been used to argue that God does not exist. The argument is as follows: a truly benevolent deity would not create a creature that proves useful precisely because it demonstrates that the universe is chaotic and random. The counter-argument is that a truly benevolent deity would also create tea. Both arguments are still under review.
The Babel fish is the single most useful creature in the known universe. It is also the creature most likely to make you realize everyone is saying something embarrassing.
Conclusion
Insert the Babel fish gently into your ear. Do not panic if it wriggles. That is a sign that it is working, or that it is not working, or that it is a fish and that is simply what fish do.