There are many ways to travel the galaxy on a budget. Thumbing a lift from a Vogon Constructor Fleet is, objectively, one of the worst. I am writing this anyway, because the Guide has a comprehensive editorial policy about being comprehensive.
There comes a time in every hitchhiker's life when the only ship within seventeen parsecs is a Vogon Constructor Fleet vessel. If you find yourself in this situation, I have some bad news followed by some worse news.
The Steps, Such as They Are
- Stand somewhere visible, ideally near an airlock. Do not stand inside the airlock.
- Extend your thumb in the traditional galactic hitchhiking gesture.
- When the hatch opens, smile politely. This will not help, but it passes the time.
- Produce your towel. If you do not have a towel, this guide cannot help you.
- Brace yourself.
Warning
Vogons are not known for their hospitality. They are, however, famously known for their bureaucracy, their poetry, and their willingness to throw people out of airlocks. In that order.
Caution
Under no circumstances should you request a lift from Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz directly. He has a short temper, a long poem, and a clipboard that never forgives.
The Vogon guard, I am reliably informed, does not like you. He does not like me either. He does not, in a very real sense, like anyone.
What to Expect Onboard
Expect corridors that smell of industrial solvent. Expect paperwork delivered in triplicate. Expect a small printed card explaining that you are now a stowaway, and that stowaways are categorically unwelcome. Keep the card. It makes excellent kindling.
If you are offered refreshments, politely decline. If you are offered poetry, panic quietly and begin looking for the nearest escape hatch. Good luck.