Improbability Physics for People Who Skipped the Lectures

The Infinite Improbability Drive is one of the most elegant, confusing, and occasionally lavender-colored technologies in existence. Here is a brief primer for anyone who spent the lectures looking out the window.

• A Very Small Demonstration
• How It Feels
• Some Notes on Side Effects
• Conclusion

Most forms of space travel rely on moving very fast in a straight line until you arrive somewhere. The Infinite Improbability Drive takes a different approach: it calculates the exact probability of every atom in the ship being in a particular place, then exploits the statistical likelihood that they are all somewhere else entirely. Usually somewhere more useful, but not always.

#A Very Small Demonstration

Suppose you want to generate a finite improbability field large enough to materialize a nice cup of tea. The calculation is deceptively simple:

import math

# Probability of every atom in a cup of tea spontaneously 
# arranging itself into a cup of tea at this exact moment
atoms = 7.5e25
prob_atom = 1 / atoms
prob_cup = prob_atom ** atoms

# Apply the Infinite Improbability coefficient
improbability_coefficient = 2.127e9
tea = prob_cup * improbability_coefficient

print(f"Likelihood of tea: {tea}")  # Approximately 1

#How It Feels

Passengers often report a brief sensation of being every molecule in the universe simultaneously. This is normal. The experience lasts only a fraction of a second, but the memory tends to linger until the next meal.

The drive is a triumph of mathematics over common sense. I am very fond of it.

#Some Notes on Side Effects

A working improbability field may cause nearby objects to turn into other objects, or into statements about themselves, or into small potted plants. Do not panic. This is simply the universe recalibrating.¹

#Conclusion

The Infinite Improbability Drive is not magic. It is worse: it is mathematics, and it is laughing at you.